Baby Greyson Part 2... the legend of Curly's gold...

So this was a typical Memorial Day at the Greyson's. Fire up the grill, set the Tivo to record all the awesome Star Wars Specials that are on and...ohh yeah...have a baby! You see, this WAS the actual due date and my wife was praying the baby would come on that day. I was hoping that he would hold off until after the History Channel Star Wars show but I guess the little man wanted to see it.

About 2:40pm my wife Mindy (smoking hot if you have not met her) started having some mild Braxton Hicks contractions. I actually thought Braxton Hicks was the band in the 80s that sang "Takin' Care of Business" but I guess it is actually faux contractions that get you ready for the real deal. At about 3:40 they were getting more intense so I comforted her, called the Dr. and set the Tivo. The Dr. said to give it an hour because since we were going for a natural delivery after having an emergency C-section on the first, the Dr. has to be present the entire time. About 4:20 Mindy was like, "it's go time" and she got ready between the contractions and I called the doc and loaded the car. That is such a woman thing, if I was about to be naked, in pain and pushing all kinds of weird stuff out of my orifices, I dont think I could care about washing my hair or painting my nails. Of course, to be fair, I rarely do either anyway.

Mindy's grandma was over so she took care of Jax (our first son who is 19 months old) while Mindy, myself and her mom (also smoking hot and available) hopped in the car to go to the hospital. The contractions were now coming hard and fast and I was doing my best to help coach her breathing but The Doobie Brothers "What A Fool Believes" came on the radio and since that song just takes me to the happy place, it made it hard to concentrate. Leave it to Kenny Loggins (he co-wrote that song) to screw up my wifes breathing. DANGIT LOGGINS!!! As we approached the hospital it was becoming clear that we were on the highway to the danger zone. I thought about some good friends of mine that gave birth in a Volkswagon and actually got money from VW, something like $700 (guess they could not afford to give out money for those conceived in a VW.) However, we drive an Acura so all we would prolly get is some bad sushi and a good deal on leather re-finishing at the dealer. Not worth it.

We pulled up to the hospital and I calmly, and by calmly I mean screaming hysterically, asked for a wheelchair. I left the car running and wheeled her up to get checked in. Once they got her to the room I moved the car and got right back, it was 5:15pm. The nurse came in to check her and said she was at 8.5cm dilated (this is where you guys might want to tune out as I am about to reveal the sweet mysteries of life) which, according to what I know, means that baby is coming fast. At 10cm, they want you to push. In an absolute CRAZY flurry, people were flying in, hooking things up, having me sign papers, forms, etc. I think I accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan in the process. All the while my sweet Mindy was in intense, writhing pain and politely asking for some drugs, and by politely I mean screaming hysterically. They had a monitor on the baby's heart and a contraction monitor. For you dad's, that contraction monitor is a great thing, you can actually watch it and see them coming and coach her thru them (or at least know when to duck if your wife is the fighting type). I was relieved to see the baby's heart was steady as our first was fluctuating wildly and eventually forced an emergency C-section. However, it was tough to watch my wife in such pain, especially when the doctor walked in to check her and said she was too far along for drugs...no epidural, not even a friggin Tylenol. The room full of women all gasped and gave her a collective "bless your heart." If Meredith Baxter-Bernie had been there it would have been like a live Lifetime Movie. At this point I had no idea what to say to encourage or coach her so I did what any self-respecting male would do, I started to quote Adam Sandler movies. More specifically, the Rob Schnieder character in every Sandler movie... "YOU CAN DO IT!"

She was discouraged and in pain but that didnt last long as she knew the quicker she could squeeze this kid out, the quicker we could meet him and the faster the pain would go away. The doc commented that her contractions were super strong for natural labor but that prolly meant the baby would come fast. She re-focused, and by re-focused I mean screamed hysterically, and got ready for the final stretch. The Dr. checked her again, broke her bag of waters and said it was time to push this kid out. She was in what seemed to be excruciating pain but she was awesome, she followed my coaching ("YOU CAN DO IT!") and the doctors directions and before long you could see the sweet coiffure of the Catch man starting to peak out. Seriously, dude had a sweet mullet and daddy was starting to get proud. Mindy was still hurting but knowing he was that close gave her all she needed to push him out and at 5:58pm, less than 45 minutes from when we checked in, he was here. BOOYAH! Guess what the first thing he does is? Nope, not cry like most kids. He decides to drop a sweet deuce right there and before the nurse can get to it, he decides to give the Dr. a nice little shower present as well. "THAT JUST HAPPENED!" I said in my best Will Ferrell voice. Only 5 seconds old and already stickin' it to the man, what a great kid.

The nurses cleaned him up while the Dr. tended to my wife. As proud as I was to have a new baby son, I was equally as proud of my wife. What a champion. She has to put up with all my crap and then gets NO MEDICINE WHATSOEVER and somehow, after all this, she is smiling, happy and yes...still smoking hot. The nurse tech came up to me afterwards and said she was actually proud of me and said that I was the best labor coach she had ever seen. I did not know what to say to that but I tried, "Listen lady...some people are just born with it."

I dont want to stir things up too soon but the early buzz is that Spielberg has commissioned "Baby Greyson 3: The Next Crusade" to be written my M. Night Shamalamadingdong.